Hank Breaks Bad
by theRealpinkman
Summary: When Hank learns that Walt is Heisenberg, he targets Jesse in his ensuing rage.


ASAC Schrader sat on the toilet unloading his ass when he decided to do a little bathroom reading. He sat there looking at all of the Playgirl and Cosmopolitan that was available to him before shifting his attention toward Leaves of Grass.

"To my other W.W. It's an honour to be your secret lover.

With love, G.B.."

Hank suddenly had a flashback to when he and his brother-in-law, Walter White, aka Heisenberg, had an intimate moment at Hank's house, discussing a murder victim, and Walt's former lover/partner, Gale Boetticher. He knew then and there who Walt was. It hit him like getting kicked by a mule with its balls wrapped in duct tape. He was Heisenberg.

Hank felt ill.

"Marie," he said. "We need to go home. I think I lost one of my minerals."

"Okay," she said.

On the way home, Hank decided to take a little detour. He kicked Marie out of the car, drove into Jesse Pinkman's yard, kicked down Jesse's door (which was designed by George O'Queef), and tackled Jesse to the floor. Then Hank dominated Jesse.

"Tell me everything!" Hank yelled from behind Jesse as he continued complete anal annihilation.

"You're my daddy! You're my daddy!"

"No, tell me about Walt!"

"He's Heisenberg!"

"I knew it!" Hank said after destroying Jesse. "I'll be back for you."

Jesse lay crippled in the floor, weeping silently with a flaming ring of fire in his boxers. His drawers were saved because they sagged so low, but his boxers were reduced to ashes by the intense friction.

Next, Hank was hangry, so he and Marie went to Los Pollos Hermanos. Gus and his boyfriend, Maximino, were making love in Gus' office just to piss off Hector.

"Welcome to Los Pollos Hermanos, can I take your order?" said the fat chick who turned Walt away in that one episode where Walt came to confront Gus at his restaurant when Mike and Jesse were having an affair and going out all the time.

"I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda."

After that, Hank and Marie returned home and Hank bought a mineral. He went back to Jesse's with Steve Gomez the next day and inserted the mineral into Jesse's crevice to get answers from him.

Walt went to Jesse's that night and asked him why he wasn't returning his calls.

He couldn't find Jesse, because Jesse went to the hospital.

Walt and Skinny Pete and Saul Goodman were visiting Jesse.

"They checked me in because your asshole brother-in-law ripped me a new ass. Also, I have AIDS."

"What did you tell them?" Walt asked.

"Everything, and also, I'm going to sue your brother-in-law for giving me AIDS."

The next day, Todd was stalking Lydia when Walt called him.

"We have to do something about Jesse before he counter-rapes Hank," Walt said.

Todd's uncle Jack, who lead a Nazi gang, decided to gang rape Jesse to prevent him from counter-raping Hank.

Jesse was mad at Walt for letting Hank have his way with him, so he kicked down Walt's door and waddled in, urinating gonorrhea on everything. Hank walked in and said, "If you help me catch Walt, I'll stop raping you."

Jesse and Hank left just as Walt pulled up and entered the house. He saw all of the gonorrhea, and decided to call Jesse.

"Jesse!" he yelled. "Don't take it personally. Why do you think Walt, Jr. uses crutches? Because of Hank!"

The next day, while Walt and Walt, Jr. were sleeping together at a hotel so the CDC could clean up all of the gonorrhea, Jesse and Hank made a plan to trick Walt into coming out of the closet, to the desert.

Meanwhile, Walt, Jr. and Skyler were having an A1 day.

"Hey!" Walt, Jr. said. "You're the guy from the billboards! You're Saul Goodman! Wow!"

"Yeah kid," Saul said.

"What happened to your face?!" Walt, Jr. asked.

"This is what you might call oral herpes."

Saul and Huell drove their car through the car wash to clean up the mess they made in the backseat with Walt while staking out the night before.

Walt got a picture of all of his money in the desert.

"Come out of the closet," Jesse said. "For every 69 seconds you don't come out of the closet, I'll burn 69 grand!"

"No!" Walt bellowed and blasted. "That's my money! I suffocated Emilio, I strangled Krazy-8 with his own choker, I blew Gus Fring! It was all me!"

Walt drove out to the desert. Jesse was nowhere to be found.

Nearby, Jesse and Mike sat in a car.

"I'm telling you kid, it won't work, I'm flaccid,"

Jack's gang showed up and dominated Hank and Steve Gomez, then dominated Jesse.

Hank got back up.

"No, Jack!" Walt screamed. "I'll give you $69 million! All you have to do is let him go!"

"That's one hell of an offer," Jack said. "How about you ped? You like that offer?"

"Hank! His name is Hank!"

"I ain't no Hank," Hank said before crushing Jack's skull with an ATM machine.

After that, Walt, Hank, and Jesse went back home and had a good night together, making love to videos of Gale Boetticher.

4… 3… 2… 1… Hank's on top of us! Thrusting quickly! Grunting in our ears! Coming! Coming! Ohhhhhhhh!

Have an A1 day! *End*


End file.
